Dumped

I was not ready for that.

Backstory(from my own biased point-of-view):

Since my previous post on the perils of the poly-police, I'd been dating.  I'd been dating so much, I'd even consider it successful.

There were three.

One was a lovely voice actress who I rather liked.  She was happy to respond if I initiated, but I never got the idea that she was enthusiastic about my advances.  Our dates went well, but the lack of any first-contact in return from her made me think I could invest my time elsewhere.

There was the woman that was way more into me than I into her.  I have to say I made a mistake in not communicating my distinct lack of passion to her.  She's a wonderful woman and I enjoyed her company but there was something distinctly lacking for me when I was around her.  It's odd, I rather liked her, but not enough to be enthused by her.

Then there was this one, she was into books, motorcycles, new experiences, wearing very few clothes, and exercise.  She had been in an open relationship for the past twenty years and was sexually adventurous.  She did that thing I liked, she talked, and I listened.  It didn't matter what we discussed, but I liked listening to her.  I thought the foundation of our relations were (besides the motorcycle) that I would listen and she would talk.

She managed to communicate to me that I can sometimes be distant and emotionally flat.  It's a flaw a freely admit.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.  I had it put in a concrete reinforced vault.

However, during our many messages back and forth and our dates, I found myself very affectionate towards her.  She seemed to feel the same way in return.  I was willing to ride out the enthusiasm wave and develop a deep-seated love for her like I had with Jinian.

We went on a date shortly after Christmas.  I had gotten her something awesome and unexpected.  We were saying our goodbyes and she had an odd question about love and feelings for people.  A little more discussion ensued and she admitted she felt love for me.  I was overjoyed and told her so.  I was looking forward to a new aspect of our relationship.

She was a little freaked out by it.  I went slow and steady.  I knew beginnings were very delicate things.

I was pretty sure we were developing a good thing.  She started meeting Eris, my kink friends, and even my kids.  My thought was that she would be integrated into my life as much as Jinian had been.  I could see our relationship lasting a decently long time regardless of how much sex & kinky stuff we did together; until last Tuesday.

Last Tuesday was the start of a long email thread that confused me and at the end left me sad. I suppose the best way to explain it without pasting the whole thing in here is to say that our relationship was confusing her and scaring her due to the attachment feelings she started having.  As I read it, I gleaned two things(Here's where sixteen-year-old me gets his knickers in a twist).

1. She thought we were just swinger friends/FWB
2. She wanted an extended family type of thing

She finished with the thought that she "might have to distance herself"

That's the last thing I heard from her.  Even as a mature man with a family, I feel rejected.  I know what she said and I'm trying to understand how she feels, but the id-side of me keeps knocking the crap out of my reasonable side.

I've been dumped.  I wasn't ready for it, and I'm not sure what to do except sort it out and then try again.