Dumped

I was not ready for that.

Backstory(from my own biased point-of-view):

Since my previous post on the perils of the poly-police, I'd been dating.  I'd been dating so much, I'd even consider it successful.

There were three.

One was a lovely voice actress who I rather liked.  She was happy to respond if I initiated, but I never got the idea that she was enthusiastic about my advances.  Our dates went well, but the lack of any first-contact in return from her made me think I could invest my time elsewhere.

There was the woman that was way more into me than I into her.  I have to say I made a mistake in not communicating my distinct lack of passion to her.  She's a wonderful woman and I enjoyed her company but there was something distinctly lacking for me when I was around her.  It's odd, I rather liked her, but not enough to be enthused by her.

Then there was this one, she was into books, motorcycles, new experiences, wearing very few clothes, and exercise.  She had been in an open relationship for the past twenty years and was sexually adventurous.  She did that thing I liked, she talked, and I listened.  It didn't matter what we discussed, but I liked listening to her.  I thought the foundation of our relations were (besides the motorcycle) that I would listen and she would talk.

She managed to communicate to me that I can sometimes be distant and emotionally flat.  It's a flaw a freely admit.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.  I had it put in a concrete reinforced vault.

However, during our many messages back and forth and our dates, I found myself very affectionate towards her.  She seemed to feel the same way in return.  I was willing to ride out the enthusiasm wave and develop a deep-seated love for her like I had with Jinian.

We went on a date shortly after Christmas.  I had gotten her something awesome and unexpected.  We were saying our goodbyes and she had an odd question about love and feelings for people.  A little more discussion ensued and she admitted she felt love for me.  I was overjoyed and told her so.  I was looking forward to a new aspect of our relationship.

She was a little freaked out by it.  I went slow and steady.  I knew beginnings were very delicate things.

I was pretty sure we were developing a good thing.  She started meeting Eris, my kink friends, and even my kids.  My thought was that she would be integrated into my life as much as Jinian had been.  I could see our relationship lasting a decently long time regardless of how much sex & kinky stuff we did together; until last Tuesday.

Last Tuesday was the start of a long email thread that confused me and at the end left me sad. I suppose the best way to explain it without pasting the whole thing in here is to say that our relationship was confusing her and scaring her due to the attachment feelings she started having.  As I read it, I gleaned two things(Here's where sixteen-year-old me gets his knickers in a twist).

1. She thought we were just swinger friends/FWB
2. She wanted an extended family type of thing

She finished with the thought that she "might have to distance herself"

That's the last thing I heard from her.  Even as a mature man with a family, I feel rejected.  I know what she said and I'm trying to understand how she feels, but the id-side of me keeps knocking the crap out of my reasonable side.

I've been dumped.  I wasn't ready for it, and I'm not sure what to do except sort it out and then try again.

Poly police

I've started to date online again, and it has been way more interesting and fruitful than my last lame effort.  Most of that I credit to me having a better attitude.  However I did receive a lecture from the POLY POLICE.  Names changed to protect the stupid, even though they shouldn't be.

12:44am

what's wrong with you?

12:53am

In what way?

well uh your age and you are single?

is there anything wrong?

I'm 43 and no I'm not single as I state in my profile. Was that not clear? Hang on and let me check how my profile looks.

How are you?

you are not single? what are you doing on here?

I'm looking for other polyamorous people to meet, date, befriend.

hmmmm polyamorous and not single is an oxymoron

How so? I'm married ergo not single. Maybe we define those terms differently?

evidemment

How would you define polyamory?

open to many partners

how would you define married?

12:59am

A contractual agreement between two people that defines a relationship status in terms of property disbursement and legal recognition of that status.

I personally define polyamory as 'many loves' This has no relationship to marital status IMO

and protects each partner in the case of any fearful associations with another insofar as either can run home and say 'sorry, I am married'

It establishes a definite primary relationship status.

yes it does, so it is many loves then, with one superior one?

hierarchical

not poly

poly is equal playing field

In my case yes. I can't speak for everyone else.

this is not

I didn't realize there was a hardline definition.

Maybe I should change my status to 'having mistresses with my wife's permission?'

well who would want to come into a second shrift position? like Hi, I want to be polyamorous but you are second choice?

I'd say change it to 'looking to fuck around'

I don't phrase it like that, nor do I approach it like that. When I'm with partner n, my sole focus is on that partner. I'm not phoning home or using my wife as an excuse for problems that arise with that non-marital relationship. Make of that what you will

1:04am

well I don't call it 'poly' anything - it is clearly primary with secondary messes

poly implies equality -

married and screwing around is another issue

I didn't realize there was a legal structure to all of this or a clear delineation of roles/rules.

well I have a clear delineation of it, have no idea what you mean by 'to all of this'

I have clear needs and clear issues

and polyamorous is fine but I don't believe you are that

poly implies many to me, since polygon, polynomial, pollyhedron all use it as a modifier, could be my math background though.

not married with your involvements taking second shrift to your marriage

well in a polyhedron no ONE angle is more important than another, is it?

I've never been lectured by the polyamory police.

the formations you reference have no hierarchies of angularity, so how can you say their makeup is commensurate with your situation?

1:10am

I'll reference you to isosceles and obtuse triangles. One angle is of greater degree than the others.

*That* is exactly commensurate.

you didn't reference me to these, you referenced those forms that had the preface POLY in their names

that is NOT commensurate

horse shit

you are backpedaling now....not cool in any way

not cool

polygon, was in my reference. A triangle is a polygon unless you get to define geometry. An obtuse triangle has one angle greater than the other two.

ok you are now saying that you are not poly amorous - that means all loves are equal -

POLY AMOROUS is equal love to many partners

no one is greater than another

I'm not backpedalling geometry. You said that none of my examples were similar to my relationship.

you are lying

you have a situation which is not polyamorous

That would be equiamorous, not polyamorous

you are married and want to fuck around

clear, plain

revolting and NOT polyamorous

So there you have it, I'm not poly according to the poly-police!

Moving on

Some great things have happened since I last posted. For one, I'm writing this from beautiful Los Angeles; for two I'm not going back. That's right the evil lab has headed to Venice Beach! I'll be fabricating and working here on the left coast - whee! I may even have some new adventures to post!

Sad passings

Hamlet & Lorali's Pornotopia has passed from the blogosphere. I'll be removing my link so the asshole link spammer who's squatted their account won't get any trivial traffic.

Rigger crush

ZOMG Midori, yes that Midori, just asked to see my wares.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Shameless commerce

So in the very very very long time since I've posted and nothing has happened.

Yep, that's right absolutely nothing.

Ok, that might not be entirely true.

Things have seriously begun to happen.

It starts with a rope class that Eris and I took from Midori in 2007. It was awesome and I was struck by a comment she made off hand that 'she couldn't find reliable cotton rope'. I'm sure this has changed since then.

In 2009, Eris and I met Twisted Monk and had an incredible time at the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar party. After that, we got a lot more involved with our local BDSM community. This interaction with OkieNawa, who leads the local rope interest group, and Deborah, who's got the only BSDM store worth a dang locally, started my wheels turning. There were tiny tricklings of ideas that would not go away.

From these interactions I had an inspiration to try my hand at fabricating my own rope. The results turned out well enough that I thought they were salable. So, I whipped some up(har) for personal use then with some generous help from Deborah and OkieNawa I actually sold some!

Any of my readers who are friends with me on FetLife know I've setup my own store, but now in public, in front of Google and everyone I'd like to announce that I have developed, in my own evil lab:

TMARE - The Most Awesomest Rope Ever!

(Well, it is a lot of fun...)

Rope that is friendly to the beginner and experienced rigger alike. It starts with a little backbone and then softens with use to be supple and fast. TMARE comes with palm-and-needle whipped ends, plus it's as easy to care for as a pair of jeans!

Shop online at my store!

Since my initial local sales I've ventured out into even broader territory. I'll be vending at a local auction in April and I've been invited to vend at Kinky Karnival Kansas!

This announcement comes right on the heels of my very first online store sale that I'll be fulfilling tonight and shipping off first thing in the morning.

I'm excited and nervous. I've learned an awful lot about rope fabrication and my aim is to provide the best cotton rope I can to my awesome customers. Please come by and check the store on a regular basis.

Not that you'll be surprised

but I predict a less than kink-filled summer.

Why?

Responsible parenting.  I find myself not wanting to miss a moment of my children's summer fun when they are the perfect age(s) for enjoying it.

This will cut into my kink/swing/bdsm time quite a bit.

However, I don't think I'll regret it in twenty to thirty years.